February 9, 2016

Restaurant trying to taint the perfection of fried chicken


Fried chicken might be the closest thing to a perfect food (considering taste, not nutritional benefits). I love its greasy, crispy breading and skin and its tender, often mouth-burning center. Whether it’s a breast, thigh, wing or leg, all of the meat will be cleared from the bone when I eat fried chicken. 

Nothing other than hot sauce should EVER be used to alter the flavor of fried chicken.

That’s why I’m frothing at the mouth at ChocoChicken — not over the scent of its product, but its insistence on destroying the golden beauty of fried chicken.

Obviously, from its name, you can tell what this LA restaurant’s deal is. Its chicken fry batter will include pieces of chocolate.

Most of the time, adding chocolate to something sits well with me. Add it to ice cream? Great. Cover peanuts, raisins, pretzels or potato chips with it? Beautiful. Let it pour forth from a fountain as I dip a strawberry into its spouting gloriousness? Absolutely.

Put it in my fried chicken? Now we have a problem.

Here is where I would usually rip into the restauranteur, but this isn’t really his fault. I blame the first idiot who stuffed bacon in a donut and the many other idiots who said they loved it ironically. The next thing you know bacon was being jammed in every sweet treat, and many more ironic foodies followed. 

Now, the wall between sweet and salty — once rarely broken down only for heavenly foods like chocolate-covered pretzels or Chinese cuisine — has been completely eradicated. Pretty soon restaurants will be drizzling caramel and turkey gravy on mashed potatoes/cotton candy, and people will buy. Oh will they buy!

ChocoChicken is only opening one restaurant right now, as far as I know. While I know it’s not right, I’m praying for its failure. If this thing is a booming success in LA, no doubt franchises will pop up in other major cities. Soon the whole country will be infected with this ingestible abomination that is akin to oil and water.

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