September 2, 2014
around the big top

What NOT to decorate this year

Posted 12/2/09

I know you have Christmas spirit. I get it – you want to show everyone you’re in the holiday mood, so you’re stringing up lights all across your roof, house, porch and windows. You’ve built a Nativity scene that stretches half of a city block. That’s right, you have the Christmas spirit!

Okay, that’s fine. It’s a great time of the year and I love Christmas as much as the next guy. But there are just some things that shouldn’t be decorated.

For instance, the bathroom.

This one I know from experience, since my mother always loves to drape tinsel across the bathroom mirror at her house. Little Christmas trinkets are often seated delicately on the toilet tank and the shower has lights that rival our family tree.

However, this is not necessary. When people are using the bathroom, they aren’t interested in shiny bulbs and holly. They want to use the latrine and go on their merry way.

Next is your car.

Yeah, fake snow and Christmas window stickers are cool. But your car, no matter how hard you try to make it look like it, isn’t going to be driven by Santa or pulled by reindeer. I don’t want to risk being on the road with guy driving around with a six-foot stocking hanging off his rearview mirror. No matter how much cargo space your SUV has, guess what? It’s not big enough to fit a Christmas tree inside!

And the final one is the most important one.

Never decorate your pets.

Seriously, I get annoyed by PETA quite often, but if you put a Bill Cosby snowflake sweater and Santa hat on your dog, that’s animal cruelty. In fact, I will report you to PETA and the authorities if I see it happening. And you people whose dogs are always loose, always running around, don’t you dare put jingle bells on their collars. If you can’t control your pet, I’d rather not know about it, so don’t remind me by making your annoying pet even more annoying!

So dress up the tree, spotlight the Nativity scene and nail up the lights, but remember, there is such a thing as TOO MUCH.

Just ask your dog whimpering from the discomfort from the red nose and fake antlers you forced him to wear.

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